Attachment Styles Explained

Attachment style has become one of the most talked about ideas in relationships right now, with millions of people online labelling themselves anxious, avoidant, disorganised, or secure to explain why they fall in love, fight, and sometimes walk away. But according to the psychiatrist who helped popularise the concept over a decade ago, much of the public conversation has drifted a long way from the actual science.

As a therapist, I see this misunderstanding constantly, and it matters, because how you understand your attachment style shapes whether it becomes a tool for change or an excuse to stay stuck.

Attachment style is not a personality type, and it is not your destiny.

Attachment theory describes the patterns we learn early in life, usually through our relationships with caregivers, about how safe or unsafe closeness feels. Those early patterns shape how we behave in adult relationships: how we handle conflict, how we respond to distance, and how much reassurance we need to feel secure. It is a framework for understanding behaviour, not a fixed category you are permanently sorted into.

In practice, most people are not purely one single type, and the label that fits can shift depending on the relationship and the level of safety within it.

Your attachment style explains where your patterns came from. It doesn't excuse the impact of those patterns, and it doesn't trap you in them permanently.

The most important thing the current online conversation tends to miss is that attachment style is learned, which means it can also be unlearned. Treating it as a fixed identity, something you simply are rather than something you developed, tends to remove the sense of agency that actually makes change possible. This distinction matters practically too: someone who understands their avoidant pattern as learned behaviour is far more likely to stay in a difficult conversation long enough to repair it, rather than concluding that withdrawal is simply who they are and always will be.

Anxious attachment tends to show up as a fear of abandonment and heightened sensitivity to any sign of distance. Avoidant attachment tends to show up as discomfort with closeness and a pull toward independence when things get emotionally intense. Both, like many longterm patterns, can sit alongside issues such as:

• Anxiety — particularly around abandonment or reassurance
• Relationship counselling — for repeated conflict or difficulty trusting a partner
• Low self-esteem — often tangled up with how secure a pattern feels

Change begins with noticing the moment your pattern activates, before you have already reacted.

That might be the urge to send a third text when you have not heard back, or the instinct to go quiet the second a conversation gets emotionally honest. Naming what is happening in that moment, even silently to yourself, interrupts the automatic response long enough to make a different choice. Over time, this kind of noticing is what actually shifts a pattern rather than just understanding it intellectually.

If your attachment patterns are consistently affecting your relationships, working with a therapist can help you understand the pattern in more depth and build new ways of relating that feel steadier. You can also read more relationship and attachment focused pieces on our blog, or browse articles by our therapists on the topic.

Have you noticed your own attachment pattern show up recently? What did it look like?

Are you considering starting therapy? Find your perfect counsellor today.