How to stop arguing and control anger

Anger is a tricky subject for a lot of us and sometimes, you might wonder ‘why can’t we just stop arguing?, ‘Is it them or is it me? And ‘Am I justified in being angry?’.

Even when you’re in such close proximity with your loved ones, I’m sure you’ve felt some anger bubbling to the surface. This is when arguments break out, and what can happen is you argue, just for argument’s sake.

In this instance, it can be hard to boil your anger down to what and where it comes from. Once you can take the steps to understand where your anger is coming from, you’ll be able to read the message that it is trying to send you.

Sometimes, you need to argue to get your point across. But if an argument is fuelled with pure anger and frustration, you will find that there is no real development in getting your disagreement resolved.

How to stop arguing

Getting to the crux of anger starts with a few steps, taking deep breaths and counting to ten can make the world of difference, but, you aren’t getting to a true understanding of why you are angry. So, before you try to calm your anger or get to a point of outburst, I want you to instead stick with that anger and follow these steps.

1. Take some space

When you are angry what can happen is you surround yourself with people that will question your anger. Reflection is key and you want to feel validated because you are upset and frustrated. So, take some personal time to really get to what is wrong for you, without anyone else’s input.  

2. What are you really angry about?

This might sound similar to step one, but this time really ask yourself,what are you angry about specifically? And what was the catalyst for you to step into full-on anger?

This is when you need to remember that your anger should be aimed at that catalyst, avoid letting your anger bubble over into other aspects of your life or onto another person.

3. What is your relationship like with that person? 

You are likely angry at a specific event or action, but what is your relationship like with the person you are angry at? This plays a huge part in how to respond and communicate with each other.

Anger is an emotion that attempts for you to gain a sense of empowerment. If your natural response is to argue with this person, in what way do you feel you have lost a positive dynamic with them?

The lockdown and working from home can play a big part in the shift in atmosphere at home, so it is important to realise this in the midst of your anger.

4. Understand your anger

Like I’ve mentioned, anger is one of the many messages that your mind is signalling to yourself. It is telling you that something is wrong, so what is the anger trying to tell you?

5. Reframe the anger

Rather than just sit with it, it will come up again and again unless you use it as a way to understand and action your emotions in a more productive way.

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