People-pleasing is a topic I encounter frequently, not just in my job but also in my everyday life.
From my clients, to people in my personal life, to the internet. The topic is always there and often met with “ I just can’t say no” from those doing it and “you just need to grow a spine/stop being a doormat” by those with no stake (looking at you, Reddit).
But why do we people-please? And why is it so hard to stop?
The truth is that it’s not about an inability to say no. People pleasers are perfectly capable of saying no.
Imagine your compassionate, supportive friend, someone that you feel safe with saying that what you are about to do is not in your best interest. If it were the inability to say no, this would be a massive problem because now you have to choose a side. But usually what happens is a response along the line of “well, I have to/I can’t not do that!” A “No” by another name.
So why is that happening?
The people we are unable to say no to are people that we struggle with. Whether it’s because they are a genuine issue or whether they trigger something within us. Usually we:
- Fear their response
- Experience shame at the thought of having to admit we cannot or don’t want to do something
- Afraid of the consequences that a no could cause
- Experience a mixture of all of them
Suddenly, “No” becomes not about our own autonomy and needs, but more about the nature of our relationship to others and ourselves.
Therapy can help us understand what is going on for us and start unpicking what is causing us to want to people-please even in situations where it is against our interests.
It can help us grasp whether we are afraid of the person’s response and whether this fear is based on the current relationship. If not, it could represent a past relationship instead.
Knowing where the shame comes from can help us understand that for people-pleaser it is often misplaced. Our time and resources are limited, and it is okay for us to distribute both in a way that serves us first and foremost.
Working through the fear of consequences can also help us to recognise when we are catastrophising and when there might be genuine problems.
This allows us to work out how we might want to respond to what we fear ahead of time, should it actually occur. Or, of course, recognise that there is something within us that expects the worst from people.
In the end, making people happy is something natural that has twisted into something extreme that is no longer helpful. The goal of therapy is to move things back to a place where you can choose to be supportive of your friends, but not at a massive cost to yourself.