By Geoff White
Puberty is a confusing time for parents and children. As your child undergoes change, your relationship with them also develops and changes.
This guide will help you understand your adolescent’s experience and see puberty from the parents’ perspective.
How do parents typically feel once their child hits puberty?
Children go through so many physical and emotional changes during puberty, it can seem like they’re becoming someone else. Which, in a way, they are. They’re stretching towards adulthood. Finding their way to what sort of adult they might be.
The hormonal changes children go through during puberty can make mood swings the norm. Previously sunny children become moody, aggressive or angry over what seem like trivial things. Mood changes occur suddenly as they struggle with emotional regulation. (I cringe when I remember screaming rows with my own parents.)
It might feel like your child is pulling away from you, as their desire for privacy and personal space grows. This isn’t to do with you, but their need for space to work through the intense changes they’re undergoing.
This is a difficult time for parents, and our instinctive reactions aren’t always the most helpful. For example, snapping back in response to strong emotions. Enforcing stricter rules to control behaviour. Or pushing children to ‘do more’ when you notice they’re tired and sleeping more.
What are the symptoms of puberty from a parents’ perspective, vs how your child is feeling
Self-consciousness and body image
You may notice your child’s increasing self-consciousness and focus on body image. This is because of the physical changes they’re undergoing. It’s a difficult time for them, as their bodies change in what can be scary new ways. This self-consciousness isn’t about ego, it’s a coping mechanism.
Bodily changes
- Growth spurts
- Hair sprouts in new places
- Breasts and genitals develop
- Menstruation
- Wet dreams
- Voices change
- Changes in body odour
Many of these physical changes lead to your child’s developing awareness of themselves as sexual beings. Which goes together with their growing need for privacy and personal space.
Exhaustion
Puberty is tiring for your teenager, physically and mentally. They’re not lazy when they sleep longer. They’re recuperating.
Studies show teenagers need 9 to 9½ hours of sleep a night, about an hour more than when they were 10. Why? Because they’re going through a second stage of brain development alongside other physical changes. The extra sleep supports their developing bodies and minds.
Changing priorities
You may notice your child focusing on their friends over family. The good news? This isn’t down to a lack of love for you.
They’re developing a sense of self outside their position as your child. Forming their own identity. Building an awareness that you as parents are fallible adults and not the superheroes they may have thought you to be.
So your child might not look up at you with the same wide-eyed innocence and earnest admiration anymore. They still love you. They’re trying to figure out so much, including their relationship to you as the adult they’re becoming.
How can you help them navigate puberty’s challenges?
Talk to your child about puberty
Talk about puberty beforehand. Or, if they’re already starting puberty, ease it into casual conversation. It can be an emotional topic once their hormones surge.
Talk about the changes they’ll experience. Explain that while adolescence can feel difficult or embarrassing that this is a normal part of growing up. Everyone goes through these changes that come with puberty. Yes, even their parents.
Listen without judgement
Be calm and listen to what they say in an open, non-judgmental way. Saying something as simple as “it sounds like you’re very frustrated” can acknowledge their emotions and make sure they feel heard.
Respect their perspective. Don’t minimise your teen’s emotions. While you might not agree with them that a minor incident seems like the end of the world, it helps to realise that to them it might truly feel as though it is.
Be a safe person for them to come to with questions and problems, and make sure your child knows you are. Offer trust and understanding.
Set the example
Model healthy behaviours. Don’t just tell your teenager how to behave, show them. Be a role model for your child. Model good relationships with your partner, friends and family. Model body positivity. Letting your teen see how you deal with issues in a healthy and constructive way can give your child the framework to do the same.
Above all, be supportive
Parental support is key to emotional wellbeing in adolescents. In fact, lack of parental support is associated with low mood in teenagers. While adolescence is a window of opportunity for your child as they develop, it also marks a vulnerable period for them to internalise problems. Your support is crucial.
What shouldn’t you do during this time?
Don’t tease
Your child will be very sensitive during puberty, so don’t tease them or show disapproval of the changes they’re going through. They can find embarrassment difficult to bear and it can lead to powerful feelings of shame, which can carry with them through to adulthood.
Don’t violate their privacy
To quell your anxiety as a parent, instead of snooping, encourage open discussion about subjects you worry about. For example: safety online, trolls, bullying, predators, and stranger danger. Give them examples of safe behaviours.
Don’t discourage self-sufficiency
Don’t do things for a teen they ought to do for themselves. They’re learning to be an independent adult, mollycoddling them like this won't help your child. It can lead to problems later on if they struggle to cope without your direct support. Part of a parent’s job is ensuring your children can stand on their own two feet when they enter the adult world.
Don’t be unbalanced in your discipline
Achieving the right level of discipline is a difficult balancing act with children of any age. But adolescents? Yeesh. Find a balance between obedience and their increasing freedom.
Children raised in too rigid an environment might not develop problem solving or leadership skills. Yet children of any age need structure and rules to live by. Particularly when they’re exploring the world outside the family environment.
As the parent it is up to you to set your family’s core values and communicate them through word and action. Be an authoritative parent rather than an authoritarian one.
Puberty? It’s tough
In short, parenting children through puberty and adolescence is hard. It is frustrating. But isn’t this what you had kids for? To see them grow and develop into adults you can be proud of.
If all else fails, be kind. Be empathetic. Try to remember what it was like for you when you went through puberty. What would have helped you? What did you want to hear from the adults in your life? Give that to your kids. Be their safe space. Be their unconditional love. And watch them fly. You’ve got this.
If you or your child are struggling to cope with your changing dynamic, remember that family counsellors can help open up a line of communication with one another.
By Geoff White