Parentification is where the parent-child dynamic is reversed in the family system. It is also commonly referred to a ‘growing up too fast’. The child takes on adult responsibilities that belong to the parent, both practical and emotional.
Can Parentification be useful?
If you are a 'parentified' child, you may position yourself to take on the burden of making the household function, such as:
· Cooking, cleaning, paying bills
· Paperwork
· Problem solving alone
· Primary caregiver to siblings (helping with homework, meal preparation)
Emotional Parentification
You may also become the emotional support system for the family by:
· Your parents confiding in you about adult problems
· You mediate conflict between family members
· You mask your own emotions in order to take care of or soothe the parent’s emotional and mental state
It’s important to clarify what parentification is not.
It is okay to give a child chores around the house and to nurture responsibility within them, such as unloading the dishwasher or occasionally babysit.
However, when these tasks are chronic and come without support from the parents, it can create a parentified dynamic.
Is Parentification common and why does it happen?
Parentification is not new, but it may feel common more than ever now. With the social, economic and psychological pressures intensifying with modern times, these conditions may have made parentification more likely, but also more noticeable.
Increased economic strain on families have led to overwhelmed parents with children having to step in by caring for younger siblings or maybe help run the family business.
In some cultures, children are rewarded for be self-sufficient and mature, or be the ‘good one who never causes trouble’.
Intergenerational trauma can lead to family dysfunctions where parentification starts.
Many parents themselves have been raised by overwhelmed caregivers; their unhealed wounds led to expectations from their children, unconsciously repeating patterns. Parents who also suffer from mental health issues may have not been able to be present for their children, leading the child to enter survival mode (i.e Parenting).
Parentification may feel more common now because we have the language for it and increased mental health discourse has led to awareness.
Can you 'cure' parentification?
Family dynamics can be reshaped away from that of parentification. Whilst it’s not easy and needs time, it is possible with awareness, boundaries and consistent accountability from the adult. Some examples of necessary steps:
- The dynamic needs to be named (without blame). Change starts with recognition and acceptance of an issue.
- Restore boundaries. Parents need to regulate their own emotions or seek support from other adults (or professionals). They must also reclaim authority and adult level responsibility.
- A child is permitted to be a child! A child needs to know they can say ‘No’, be upset without fixing, play and rest.
Family therapy can be crucial to support change in the family system.
If you’re an adult healing from the impact of parentification, personal therapy can support you in healing through exploring patterns from childhood.